considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
