So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
