I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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