guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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