she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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