I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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