I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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