and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
