I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
