I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
