I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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