Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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