Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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