i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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