I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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