someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
