I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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