I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
