I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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