i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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