I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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