it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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