i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
