so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
