matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
