I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
