Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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