We got so high we made milksteak
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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