You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize