Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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