The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You made out with two different species that night
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
