I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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