She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
