Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
