Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
