I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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