Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize