Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
