cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize