last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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