thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
