If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
