First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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