I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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