duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
