He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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