Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
