I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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