Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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