After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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