there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
