the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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