If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
