Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
