They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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