In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
