i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
